I am temporarily back. This is a bad sign.

I have struggled with the concept of truth a lot in the last few months. Is the truth something that is definable and provable or is the truth something that we make fit what we want to?

In the start of this I wanted to believe that IT had not been lying for longer than he claimed. I wanted this to be the truth. I needed it to be true but no matter how hard I tried, it didn't add up. So did the truth become the scenario that was the most likely? Possibly so, but we all do this - if there is a truth that we don't want to accept then it is easier to create our own, more palatable version of what the truth is. It makes life easier and it allows us to pretend. In situations such as this we may never know the truth and really at the end of the day - it doesn't really matter.

I also struggled with the truth that I probably loved it for too long and yet failed to recognise what real love is. This I have really struggled with because I have had to understand that love is not the answer to everything and in fact, it is invariably the problem. It was also the struggle of accepting that he buried any love so deeply that he would use anything to prove that he can and will punish me.

There are other situations where the truth really does matter and is necessary. When there are others involved and others dependent on you and you discover the lies you have been told stretch back over two years then you have to take a view. That view may not be a great one but just maybe, the need to be in full knowledge is one that will protect you. This does not change your personality but is the wake up call when you realise that the lies you have discovered mean that your entire future is about to be annihilated. What you do with that truth is another matter. The pragmatic approach is: this is where the problem lies, this is what needs to be done to solve that and all other factors are irrelevant.

This decision is nothing to do with frame of reference. My frame of reference is that I lived with a man that lied to me about money and controlled my existence for a long period of time. My frame of reference is that I do not, cannot trust him. My frame of reference is that this man will try and play games until the day I die. This frame of reference is not one that has ever extended to anyone else.

This is not necessarily a good thing. When your frame of reference does not include mistrusting others you take the words they say and the promises of trust deeply, deeply seriously. When it appears that they have violated that promise and in so doing appear to have mocked you - it is a huge shock. It makes you question whether you saw what you wanted to see and your truth was never the actual truth - or whether the truth is being protected. It messes with your mind.

When you stumble across something that you weren't expecting - it makes you question whether the things you were told, the words you believed, the trust you gave were there for the means of others and that every one of those things were untrue. When the mocking appears to be from having not revealed everything and acting for oneself, it makes one question whether you had been utterly and totally manipulated.

The truth is I know what I want to believe, I know what I should believe but I also recognise that when you uncover a stone best left unturned then ignorance was probably bliss.

We all sometimes do things we shouldn't. No one is perfect but the only truth I have ever sought was the pragmatic one - I no longer have any interest in anything else. There are some people that I so deeply want to believe, there are some people that are so important to me that perhaps I put them on a pedestal, perhaps I misread and perhaps I stuffed up but I know more than anything is that my frame of reference never included them