I feel unbelievably sad. It has come to light that 'It' is preparing and being prepared for battle. This is inevitable - the situation has deteriorated rapidly. Over the last few weeks I have become more angry, particularly in the last couple. I have utterly failed to comprehend why it is that he refuses to speak to me, or look me in the face. It is like two people in a tug of war. I will only speak with him regarding the children, he is not prepared to speak even about this. If I send an email - he rarely answers anything in it.

There is a pattern in this and it is where a lot of my anger is based. A couple of weeks ago I had a long conversation with someone that knows him well and was concerned. Before I know it - I got sucked back into the sympathy trap, whereby I convince myself that he is having a bad time, not in control of his mind and everything a mess. I even went as far as saying I would be prepared to help. Then I discovered that he is telling yet more lies. I feel utter rage. Rage that I got pulled in again and that actually, he is very conscious of the choices he makes.

Yet despite this, I get sucked into yet another pattern because anger clouds judgement. A combination of incidents and needs fall within a few days, including the mortgage remaining unpaid. This is important, it is already being underpaid and added to. A series of emails follow and yet nothing is answered. I finally get it - vagueness and non committal response controls what and when things will happen. It does not take a series of emails, 4 texts and two weeks to still not pay the mortgage and yet it does. What then happens is that simmering annoyance at a lot of other things, combined with refusal to answer of deal with anything I have asked and then an absolute refusal to even look me in the face - means that eventually I am going to lose my temper, and I did.

This is a great pattern. I lose my temper out of utter, utter hurt and frustration and then 'It' becomes a victim of the lunatic. Of course there is unlikely to be any admittance of the refusal to answer any of the emails or pay the mortgage, no admittance to the lies and deceit just a hard done by look "See what she is like"

The great thing is that I finally see a very clear pattern. The bad news is that I allowed myself to get sucked straight back into it. The answer is to stop getting sucked in and accept that he has a very unique ability to behave how he chooses and look like the world fell on him.

Life is becoming a little like school. The children that are basically good get left to get on with it. Not only that, the good children get told off more when they are bad because everyone expects better. This is how you end up as a 'Fixer' in life. You end up as the one who should always behave better and sort everything out because you always have done and frankly, it is easier getting the good child to do it than to get the badly behaved child to see the light and repair their ways. That is a massive burden and I can tell you, it sucks.

So I lost my temper, I told him what I thought of his refusal to speak with me and of his constant lies. Just to confirm my opinion - when he left, he drove straight past the teenager that he pretends he does not have. Not worth challenging, you can guarantee a look of innocence and a declaration that he simply did not see him. Hard to miss a teenage on a village lane, particularly your own.

So amongst all the anger I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I cannot quite understand how your life can come to this. How can a marriage that created four children end in such hatred. It has now become quite clear financially that 'It' knew what he was doing some time before he left and he was preparing for it. In that time and the few days following it, he didn't just try to protect himself financially, he prepared to gain from it and I know that he will do everything he can to continue to do so.

So I have just had to lock myself in the toilet at work. Every time I try and answer a call I start crying. I cannot yet come to terms with how this has ended like this. I am realistically facing losing our home and trying to accept that the man I had children with does not really want the responsibility involved with having children and never really did. In his desire to punish me, he is punishing them. Why would he feel the need to punish me? why did he ever think it was okay to have someone to have children with and then be comfortable trying to prevent doing the right thing rather than wanting to.

So what if I cannot cope, do I throw in the towel and say I cannot do this? Do my children go into care? If you are not prepared to be there for your children, surely you would want to make sure that the person doing the job for you is equipped and able? Make that hard and your children suffer. The way I feel at the moment, the children are going to suffer. Keeping a smiley face when I am consumed with hurt, anger and sheer exhaustion by it all is becoming increasingly difficult.

There was a very strange moment yesterday. I had to go and pick up a rather posh Espresso machine from Freecycle. The teenager and I decided to take the dog for a walk at the same time and find somewhere for a drink. We found somewhere lovely and whilst walking the dog, I phoned the little ones to say goodnight.

In another unfair coincidence, the pub we parked at was also the pub that 'It', the small children and some friends were also at. So in a bizarre moment - I am speaking across the canal to my children - it was clearly uncomfortable all round but with the children there, I could hardly be any different to how they would expect. The teenager thought it very symbolic that the canal was clearly a division between. It was a cheap evening as it acted as a fabulous appetite suppressant. For anyone trying to lose weight - I thoroughly recommend it.

I hate battles. I hate the fact that this is clearly going to be one. I hate that I even have to protect myself and the children. How does life ever get to the stage that you have to protect your own future and that of your children against the man that you married and that had children with you?

I have pondered the option of just moving away and making a completely fresh start. The advantages are clear; a fresh start, no bump ins and create a new life where there is no chance of hearing anything more about his existence. The disadvantages are that I have a lot of friends here, the children grew up in this house and everyone knows us. Currently the advantages are winning. There is another part of me that is tempted to let him have the children. It would never work permanently but maybe 3 months of reality would make him understand what position I put myself in to have them. The not being able to work, to not be able to make your own financial decisions, to not have any choice but to raise them because someone else has decided not to.