I am having a true moment of self pity, probably not helped by having to work all weekend and spending the time I should be loafing in the garden without the children, cleaning and clearing up whilst they are not here.

I am wondering two things: how on earth I managed to meet someone I really liked who happened to have loads of firmly packed baggage, who thought it was very unpacked.

Secondly, I had a very long conversation with my friend the life guru last night. He set the question as to how to get to a stage where there is amicable communication with it, without the necessity of giving any impression that his behaviour is condoned.

He is clearly cleverer than I because I can think of no way forward. The only communication is necessity and it goes like this. He picks up the children, I give eye contact and pass on any information he may need. I get a one word response. Then he drives off and within 24 hours, he ignores anything I said. I then have to have contact and invariably - he puts the phone down.

See, the thing is - my life is better when I do not have to give him any thought. Now my life feels crap again because I have to think about him. Twenty years of having to be the one that does the right thing and I no longer want to. More than that - I have no idea how to when the man is incapable of communicating and is basically seeking me to treat him normally, which he will take as life is fine. There is a childish side of me that is glad he is actually doing things with the little ones but annoyed that he never wanted to do anything with his children when he actually lived here.

Except life is not fine. How he has behaved is not fine. the accusations, the blame, the hideous, hideous victim theories are not fine. The fact that he ignores anything I say is not fine. The fact that he has not burnt bridges to deal with the mess he created is not fine. The fact that his teenage son has no respect is not fine. The fact that he had lied and recreated his own past is not fine. The fact that the only way out of this mess is for me to make him think all of this is fine is not fine.

I feel very tense, fed up and sorry for myself. I am fed up about the cleaning, the enormity of this house, four children, trying to find a career and very fed up about the Body God.

I am going to the pub.