I can't breath. Literally; I am now using inhalors and my chest is tight. I feel that my entire body is simply shutting down and everything is saying "enough". Yet I still have to carry on and frankly, I am not sure how much longer I can do it.

I want my life back. I know that it won't be the old one since that is over but I want MY life back in whatever form it will take, but I need to breath first.

I am so tired of being ill, I am so tired of the pain and now, I am tired by the shortness of breath. I will accept the situation since there is no choice, but I will never understand WHY someone would want to behave the way of the last few months. Why would someone lie and deceive, why would someone try and make someone lose their mind - knowing they were doing it to justify their own actions. Why would someone let their wife find out on the internet?

I am wallowing, not in self pity over this, but in sheer frustration at my lack of comprehension.

I only hope that in his 'La La I am a single man life' that he comes off his bike, whacks his head on a tree and loses every single memory of every part of our time together. He is not entitled to one single one. It is so absolutely, totally unfair that I have to have contact with him at all. It really is like a death, not because he is with someone else - simply because the person I knew does not exist and yet I am forced to for the next few years of my life.

I know that my life will get better, but I am just so exhausted by it all, the lack of comprehension, the illness, the pain and now my difficulty in breathing.

Perhaps I am wallowing